Teaching challenges

Yesterday was an interesting day, regarding my thoughts about teaching yoga. It started off with me waking up very, very sleepy ~ and actually happy, rather than disappointed, to get a message from my 8:30am private that she needed to cancel. I crawled back into bed and slept until 10. The holiday party and all of its preparation, planning, and participating must have taken more out of me than I realized! It took tea and a solid breakfast to wake me up enough to feel prepared to face the day.

I headed over to Berkeley for my lunchtime class, feeling ready to teach but wondering if I'd have any students and if so, what would the class be like. I think that's where it all got screwy. I realize I can't go into a class thinking, What's it going to be like? because then the end result will inevitably be weird. If I go into class thinking, I expect good things to happen!, then the class will inevitably be good or great. As it was, I was already preparing myself for weirdness. So, I walked in the door and one of the students who was signing up was smiling at me, all glowing and excited, and she asked, "Are you the teacher?" I said yes, and she introduced herself. Then she said that someone at Yoga Tree on Valencia had really recommended my class, said it was really fun and that she should totally try me out. Wow! What a thing to hear! Flattering, yes, but immediately, my expectations for myself teaching shot up and I thought, Well, now I've GOT to teach a GREAT class! Which, again, if I had the right perspective, I could have turned my thoughts around and had some more practical thoughts to guide my mind. Instead, I just kept thinking that if one person thought my class was great, then I want ALL of my students to think it's great. For whatever reason, I didn't allow myself to be happy and grateful and thankful for the one student who supposedly loves my class ~ no, I let myself feel desire for more, more, more. I wanted all the good and none of the bad or the weird. Well, guess what I got?

It turned out I had two students for the class: the first, super-enthusiastic one, a college student, ultra-flexible, *loves* yoga, has gone to every class at HYP, a solid level 2-3. The second, a slightly cranky, stiff, mom-type in her 40s with a bad back, who hadn't done yoga "in a long time," and who kept shaking her head at me to say "no" whenever I guided her into a pose that she felt challenged by.

Whaaaa? THIS, my friends, is the drawback to "All Levels" classes :-/ In the hour that followed, I had to guide two completely different students through essentially the same sequence ~ pacing fast enough to challenge the level 2-3 student while pacing slow enough to keep my beginner student engaged and not injured. The super-eager student flowed her own way through vinyasas, coming into Upward Dog and Downward Dog, etc., before I even said anything, while the slower student kept looking at the faster one, as if she was trying to learn from her rather than from me. Meanwhile, I kept having to guide the slower student into the correct postures, making sure her knees tracked over her toes, etc., making sure she wasn't doing anything that would injure herself even more. Plus, at the same time, trying to come up with a sequence in my head that would work for both of them. In the end, I think it was just ... fine. It was a fine class. It was nothing I would call great, or Wow!, or whatever. It was just fine.

The super-enthusiastic student chatted to me after class (in a friendly way, of course) about how great her other teachers are and how I should check out so-and-so's classes and this studio and that teacher, and I just kept thinking, Slooooooow dooooooown, girl, breeeaaathe. Besides, after such a challenging class (challenging to teach, that is), I really wasn't particularly in the mood to hear how great these other teachers are. And then later, I got upset with myself for even caring how this one student felt about or reacted to my class. Why did I let it bother me so much? I gave the class the best I could, given the circumstances. Why did I care so much what she thought?

Last night, I picked up "Living with Joy," again ~ a book that Margaretta recommended to me, which I've been reading on and off for the past month or so. And the chapter I picked up was about finding inner peace. The challenge, I understand, is to be able to have inner peace even when everything around me is nutso. The challenge is to find peace from within, and not look to any outside sources for acknowledgment, reassurance, guidance, anything! Finding inner peace means that no matter what kind of yoga teacher I am, I am peaceful within myself. Finding inner peace means that no matter whether certain students like my class or feel challenged or exhilarated by my teaching style, I am peaceful within myself. Finding inner peace means that even if my classes suck, I am still peaceful within myself. As soon as you start searching for inner peace, Orin says, the universe will provide you with challenges to see if you can do it. I think yesterday was a real challenge! This has been my path for a while now ~ trying to remain peaceful within while simultaneously wanting to teach the best class I can while also non-attaching myself to results or outcomes of the class. It's a matter of just remaining in the moment, but also remaining in the peace of the moment ~ and ultimately, remembering that if all else in my life fails, but I have inner peace, then nothing else matters! Because truly, in reality, if my classes don't appeal to everyone (which they won't! I understand that), who cares? If my novel never sells (which it will, I am sure of it, but, hey, what if it doesn't?), then who cares? Who cares about anything except a) whether I am peaceful within, and b) whether I extend that peace to my relationships and to the world around me. Nothing else in the whole, big, wide, old world matters, nothing at all does, except that.